Semicolons Have No Place in Modern Society

Like the rest of the folks in the office universe, I spend an inordinate amount of my life in Microsoft Outlook.  While it runs efficiently and is user-friendly, I take major issue with it’s automatic grammar check.

If I ever write a book, it won’t be written in a Microsoft program because they are deficient in creativity and the art of clever writing.  So, I like using sentence fragments, what of it?  I’m frequently irritated with the “more accurate” adverb usage it’s constantly suggesting but nothing reins higher on my list of exasperating Outlook nuances than it’s blatant love affair with the semicolon: the most useless and retarded punctuation mark ever created.

Half comma, half colon: the semicolon is nothing but the transvestite of the punctuation world and it has NO business being in such a convenient place on the keyboard.  Put the period there for God’s sake!!  Or maybe the apostrophe!  What kind of bafoon uses semicolons more frequently than periods apostrophes??  I’ll tell you who: assholes and transvestites.

Not only does the semicolon look moronic (being a mutt and all) and have a rich plot of keyboard space, but they are palpably worthless.  There isn’t a problem in the English language that absolutely must be solved by the semicolon.  More often than not, the humble comma will suffice.  When you need a little more authority, go with the colon.

Okay, okay…let me provide some insight into the semicolon’s alleged effectiveness (for those of you who agree that the difference between the semicolon and the colon/comma is too neglegable to be grasped).  Modern experts suggest using it after using quotation marks.  I’m pretty sure a comma works just fine.  It’s suggested when you’re about to use a transitional phrase; such as, this very sentence.  Again, why not a comma?  The only other “use” I know of for the semicolon is in lists such as: “I hate the following places: Toole, which is in Utah; Vernal, which is in Utah; and Ogden, which is in Utah.”  You decide it’s usefulness in this context but I’m pretty sure this little punctuation dilemma can be easily solved with your basic set of parentheses.  Or a comma.  Or a Shit.  Load.  Of.  Periods.

The supposed “need” for the semicolon in Outlook is total bullshit and I’m sick of it plaguing my work day.  I prefer the simple life full of hard work, good food and commas.

Get Paid

I’ve been thinking about this stupid poster all day.

Can I get paid to watch tv?

I’ve decided that I agree. I should get paid to do stuff I would be doing anyway. Here’s a list of things I did this week that I think I should get paid for.

* I watched the Criminal Minds profilers in peril marathon. When Reed got shot in the leg, I nearly cried.

* I set a new personal best on the Plants vs. Zombies vasebreaker endless game. (30, but I know I can do better.)

* I surfed some of my favorite blogs, including The Bloggess, The Weed, and 27slashb.  I also spent about three hours on Pinterest.

* I bought a magazine about storage and then went to IKEA and bought a bench and two storage baskets.

* I read and listened to several self-help books.  The funny thing is, I actually have a blog reviewing self-help books, but I haven’t added anything to it in probably a year.  And I have no good reason at all, because I have read lots of books in that time!

* I actually did not bake any cookies this week, which is kind of amazing.  But I did frost the sugar cookies my husband and daughter made.

I’ve also been giving serious thought to the things I did this week which I did not want to do and which might be more palatable if I were paid to do them.  These include, but are not limited to:

* Making dinner.

* Making the bed, which I think I only did once this week.

* Paying bills.  Getting paid to pay bills has a poetic ring to it.  I need to find a way to make this work, or at least make it into a clever t-shirt.

* Grocery shopping.

I should also mention that while I did do some housecleaning, I did not clean my office.  I would consider doing it if someone paid me to do it, though.  *wink wink*

On a more serious note, I should say that one thing I do almost every day, that I love and would love to get paid for, is writing.  I write a blog post or e-mail or amusing Facebook update every day.  I have a friend that actually asked me to write a book, which she offered to e-publish.  I basically have a book deal, people.  Get used to it.  Ironically, it’s the only writing project I’m not actually working on.

Smelly Wine is No Substitute for Aaron Hotchner

I recently decided that I need a new way to waste time.  And by recently, I mean about 30 minutes ago when I decided I had played enough Plants vs. Zombies for one day.  I went to a favorite standby, The Bloggess, and that led me to look up life hacks, an online time-wasting activity I have never done before, and probably will never do again.  I obviously have nothing against wasting time, but these life hacks were freaking ridiculous.

I was immediately drawn to one entitled 8 Simple Signs That Your Wine is Bad, which were all basically bad smells.  I pictured in my mind the person who read that and thought, “I’m so glad I came across this life hack, this is going to be so useful.  Finally, I know for sure that mousey-smelling wine is bad!”  This led me to picture the person who wrote the life hack, who probably thought, “What can I throw together in 10 minutes that will really impress the ladies, and make them trust my wine selections and make them want to have sex with me?”

I don’t know why I’m thinking about this.  I’m don’t even drink.  Which is too bad, because I think this wine-bottle shaped cork collector would look really cute in my house.

If I ever start drinking wine, my house will be full of these.

Recent conversation with husband:

Robb:  Let’s do something sexual that will make you blush.

Me:  I would have to be really drunk to do that.

Robb:  I don’t think you know how drunk works.

Me:  I know exactly how drunk works.

Robb:  Alcohol doesn’t make you suddenly want to do something that you never wanted to do before.

Me:  Are you sure?  And, if you knew I didn’t want to do it, then why were you asking?

He might be right, though.  I don’t really know how drunk works.  I sometimes imagine that scary things will be less scary if I was drunk.  Like, I could finally bring myself to lose two hours of my life watching Children of the Corn and it would seem more like watching Criminal Minds.

Robb:  I thought you didn’t like scary shows.

Me:  This isn’t scary.  It’s Criminal Minds.

Robb:  I see.  You can’t watch something scary with me, but you can with Hotch!  Hotch makes you feel safe but I don’t!

Me:  You’re starting to get it.  Finally.

Maybe I could write a life hack titled 10 Ways Aaron Hotchner Makes Women Feel Safe.  You wouldn’t even need a glass of wine to enjoy it.