The Realities of Resurrection

This completely random and non-sensical conversation began when Robb said,

Robb: When I die, you should just throw me in the ocean.

Me:  What?  You don’t want to be buried?  Just thrown in the ocean and eaten by fish?

Robb:  Exactly.

Me:  That’s ridiculous.  You have to be buried next to me, so that when we are resurrected, the first thing you see is my smiling face.

Robb:  I don’t think that’s how it works.  You think you are resurrected in the exact spot you are laid to rest?

Me:  Obviously.

Robb:  God wouldn’t do that.  He would resurrect you wherever you wanted to be resurrected.

Me:  No he wouldn’t.  This is the exact reason people get buried next to loved ones.

Robb:  Whatever.  Just throw me in the ocean.

Me:  You know what I’m going to do?  I’m going to get buried next to the guy that eats the fish that eats you.  That way, on resurrection morning, he’ll wake up, and the fish inside him will wake up, and you inside the fish will wake up!

At this point, I literally broke into hysterical laughter.  I had a vision of standing in the cemetary, with a random stranger, a flopping yellow fish, and a very surprised Robb.  I fell asleep laughing at my own hilarity.  I think Robb fell asleep rolling his eyes at me.

Robb:  There is something wrong with you.


Update:  After writing this post, we actually had a follow up conversation that was its own kind of bizarre.

Robb:  I’ve been thinking about this a lot.  What do the Japanese do with their dead?  There’s not enough land there to bury them.  They should just throw them in the ocean.  They are always complaining about over-fishing.  If the fish eat the dead people, there will be an explosion in the fish population.  We could solve two problems, here.

Me:  Do you think people will have a moral issue with eating fish that have eaten people?  Or maybe it gets more complicated; like you might not mind eating a fish that ate a mob boss, but you don’t want to eat a fish that ate a nice little girl.

Robb:  People are bio-degradable.  This is not pollution.  It’s win-win.

Me:  So, throwing fish bones in the ocean is not polluting?

Robb:  Right.

Me:  What about fish sticks?

Robb:  That’s not polluting either.

Me:  But is it wrong to feed fish sticks to fish?  Maybe.  (I then spend a minute breaking into hysterical laughter at the thought of a fisherman throwing frozen fish sticks off the side of the boat.  Robb asks me what is wrong with me, and then answers the question by telling me my sense of humor is off.  Which is obviously not true.)

Me:  Maybe people will like the idea.  Is it poetic justice to eat the fish that ate the people?

Robb:  Maybe it’s poetic justice for the fish to eat the fisherman.

(More laughter.  Robb told me I was gross, and accused me of sharting.  Which I thought was completely unnecessary.  Then I told him he was too hot to sleep that close to me, because he was making me sweat, and I spent the next 20 minutes pushing him to his own side of the bed.  He threatened to bite my nipples off.  I threatened to shart on him.)

All in all, it was a good night of bizarre and useless conversation that went on far too long.  We never did decide what happens to all these people and fish during the resurrection, though.



Great ideas for licorice

At this years family reunion, Robb shared his experience with smoking as a child. Not having any brothers of his own, his older cousins realized that he would be gullible and took full advantage. One cousin talked him into smoking, by saying something very convincing, like, “Hey, we should smoke.” Then he rolled some tree bark into a piece of paper, lit it, pretended to smoke and handed it to Robb. Robb took a big drag on it and fell straight to the ground. Let’s just say, it was a rough smoke.

The offspring must have had smoking on the brain, because they “invented” this super cool game, in which you pretend your red vines are cigarettes. Robb and I joined in. What?! We like looking cool!

Smoking licorice gave me the brilliant idea to actually smoke licorice!  Why not make actual cigarettes taste like licorice? In fact, who cares about taste, just make them smell exactly like red vines. Do we have the technology for this? One can only hope.

Imagine… restaurants and airports could bring back smoking sections. Kids and teens would start smoking again. And, this is just a guess, I bet sales of red vines would rise. Think about it… all those non-smokers, smelling the licorice cigarettes, would have sudden cravings. It’s genius. I’m drafting a letter to Marlboro right now.

(I was recently informed that cigarettes that taste like licorice already exist.  But cigarettes that smell like licorice do not, so I still say the idea is mine.)

I must also take the opportunity to acknowledge another genius idea, this one from my daughter. In the midst of creating the licorice sucker, itself an amazing idea, she inadvertently created the liquor sucker. I mean, brilliant, right? Tell me that product wouldn’t sell by the dozens!