The Realities of Resurrection

This completely random and non-sensical conversation began when Robb said,

Robb: When I die, you should just throw me in the ocean.

Me:  What?  You don’t want to be buried?  Just thrown in the ocean and eaten by fish?

Robb:  Exactly.

Me:  That’s ridiculous.  You have to be buried next to me, so that when we are resurrected, the first thing you see is my smiling face.

Robb:  I don’t think that’s how it works.  You think you are resurrected in the exact spot you are laid to rest?

Me:  Obviously.

Robb:  God wouldn’t do that.  He would resurrect you wherever you wanted to be resurrected.

Me:  No he wouldn’t.  This is the exact reason people get buried next to loved ones.

Robb:  Whatever.  Just throw me in the ocean.

Me:  You know what I’m going to do?  I’m going to get buried next to the guy that eats the fish that eats you.  That way, on resurrection morning, he’ll wake up, and the fish inside him will wake up, and you inside the fish will wake up!

At this point, I literally broke into hysterical laughter.  I had a vision of standing in the cemetary, with a random stranger, a flopping yellow fish, and a very surprised Robb.  I fell asleep laughing at my own hilarity.  I think Robb fell asleep rolling his eyes at me.

Robb:  There is something wrong with you.


Update:  After writing this post, we actually had a follow up conversation that was its own kind of bizarre.

Robb:  I’ve been thinking about this a lot.  What do the Japanese do with their dead?  There’s not enough land there to bury them.  They should just throw them in the ocean.  They are always complaining about over-fishing.  If the fish eat the dead people, there will be an explosion in the fish population.  We could solve two problems, here.

Me:  Do you think people will have a moral issue with eating fish that have eaten people?  Or maybe it gets more complicated; like you might not mind eating a fish that ate a mob boss, but you don’t want to eat a fish that ate a nice little girl.

Robb:  People are bio-degradable.  This is not pollution.  It’s win-win.

Me:  So, throwing fish bones in the ocean is not polluting?

Robb:  Right.

Me:  What about fish sticks?

Robb:  That’s not polluting either.

Me:  But is it wrong to feed fish sticks to fish?  Maybe.  (I then spend a minute breaking into hysterical laughter at the thought of a fisherman throwing frozen fish sticks off the side of the boat.  Robb asks me what is wrong with me, and then answers the question by telling me my sense of humor is off.  Which is obviously not true.)

Me:  Maybe people will like the idea.  Is it poetic justice to eat the fish that ate the people?

Robb:  Maybe it’s poetic justice for the fish to eat the fisherman.

(More laughter.  Robb told me I was gross, and accused me of sharting.  Which I thought was completely unnecessary.  Then I told him he was too hot to sleep that close to me, because he was making me sweat, and I spent the next 20 minutes pushing him to his own side of the bed.  He threatened to bite my nipples off.  I threatened to shart on him.)

All in all, it was a good night of bizarre and useless conversation that went on far too long.  We never did decide what happens to all these people and fish during the resurrection, though.



3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. starvingbitch
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 10:38:38

    Resurrection is a subject that I’ve found ridiculous from the first day I heard about it. If this sort of thing is real and predators don’t eat prey, we’ll all be vegetarians, maybe even vegans. Not to mention, where do they plan on planting all the food to supply EVERY PERSON THAT HAS EVER LIVED?? Please. Will we wear clothes? Will we have changes of clothes? If we have to wear those white robes, I’m out – I look terrible in white. Not to mention, God is way into reproduction which means period stains ALL OVER the place. This whole resurrection thing sounds like a sanitary nightmare to me. After you’re resurrected, can you die again? Do you age? Does anyone have a personality or are we all just God-like? If that’s the case, consider comedy dead. If all the animals get resurrected too, what will they eat? Is someone going to be hand-feeding the dinosaurs? Will there be a company making dog food? Let’s face it, logistically, this just isn’t going to work. Next time you talk to God, let him know I’m calling his bluff on this resurrection nonsense.


  2. Jen
    Feb 15, 2012 @ 09:54:53

    Here’s the beauty of resurrected bodies…
    I like to imagine that there are no periods, and no eating, and no aging, and only beauty and sunshine and roses and butterflies.

    And maybe a few flopping fish.

    Maybe you should talk to him yourself. Or are you afraid he’ll call your bluff on all this sarcasm nonsense?


  3. starvingbitch
    Mar 27, 2012 @ 09:16:16

    Even if resurrection is all sunshine and roses and butterflies, and we’re NOT eating, count me out. Food is one of my favorite things so living an eternity without it comes across as sort of torurous. Plus, this resurrection scene doesn’t seem like anyone has any hobbies. Snore-fest.

    Truth be told, blind faith isn’t really my thing and since death is the ultimate unknown, believing anything about the afterlife seems a little unreasonable.


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