Semicolons Have No Place in Modern Society

Like the rest of the folks in the office universe, I spend an inordinate amount of my life in Microsoft Outlook.  While it runs efficiently and is user-friendly, I take major issue with it’s automatic grammar check.

If I ever write a book, it won’t be written in a Microsoft program because they are deficient in creativity and the art of clever writing.  So, I like using sentence fragments, what of it?  I’m frequently irritated with the “more accurate” adverb usage it’s constantly suggesting but nothing reins higher on my list of exasperating Outlook nuances than it’s blatant love affair with the semicolon: the most useless and retarded punctuation mark ever created.

Half comma, half colon: the semicolon is nothing but the transvestite of the punctuation world and it has NO business being in such a convenient place on the keyboard.  Put the period there for God’s sake!!  Or maybe the apostrophe!  What kind of bafoon uses semicolons more frequently than periods apostrophes??  I’ll tell you who: assholes and transvestites.

Not only does the semicolon look moronic (being a mutt and all) and have a rich plot of keyboard space, but they are palpably worthless.  There isn’t a problem in the English language that absolutely must be solved by the semicolon.  More often than not, the humble comma will suffice.  When you need a little more authority, go with the colon.

Okay, okay…let me provide some insight into the semicolon’s alleged effectiveness (for those of you who agree that the difference between the semicolon and the colon/comma is too neglegable to be grasped).  Modern experts suggest using it after using quotation marks.  I’m pretty sure a comma works just fine.  It’s suggested when you’re about to use a transitional phrase; such as, this very sentence.  Again, why not a comma?  The only other “use” I know of for the semicolon is in lists such as: “I hate the following places: Toole, which is in Utah; Vernal, which is in Utah; and Ogden, which is in Utah.”  You decide it’s usefulness in this context but I’m pretty sure this little punctuation dilemma can be easily solved with your basic set of parentheses.  Or a comma.  Or a Shit.  Load.  Of.  Periods.

The supposed “need” for the semicolon in Outlook is total bullshit and I’m sick of it plaguing my work day.  I prefer the simple life full of hard work, good food and commas.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. MS Word
    Aug 30, 2011 @ 22:55:11

    Eff you! Go build your own word processor; you and Excel think you’re such hot stuff. Bitch.

    Reply

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