Smelly Wine is No Substitute for Aaron Hotchner

I recently decided that I need a new way to waste time.  And by recently, I mean about 30 minutes ago when I decided I had played enough Plants vs. Zombies for one day.  I went to a favorite standby, The Bloggess, and that led me to look up life hacks, an online time-wasting activity I have never done before, and probably will never do again.  I obviously have nothing against wasting time, but these life hacks were freaking ridiculous.

I was immediately drawn to one entitled 8 Simple Signs That Your Wine is Bad, which were all basically bad smells.  I pictured in my mind the person who read that and thought, “I’m so glad I came across this life hack, this is going to be so useful.  Finally, I know for sure that mousey-smelling wine is bad!”  This led me to picture the person who wrote the life hack, who probably thought, “What can I throw together in 10 minutes that will really impress the ladies, and make them trust my wine selections and make them want to have sex with me?”

I don’t know why I’m thinking about this.  I’m don’t even drink.  Which is too bad, because I think this wine-bottle shaped cork collector would look really cute in my house.

If I ever start drinking wine, my house will be full of these.

Recent conversation with husband:

Robb:  Let’s do something sexual that will make you blush.

Me:  I would have to be really drunk to do that.

Robb:  I don’t think you know how drunk works.

Me:  I know exactly how drunk works.

Robb:  Alcohol doesn’t make you suddenly want to do something that you never wanted to do before.

Me:  Are you sure?  And, if you knew I didn’t want to do it, then why were you asking?

He might be right, though.  I don’t really know how drunk works.  I sometimes imagine that scary things will be less scary if I was drunk.  Like, I could finally bring myself to lose two hours of my life watching Children of the Corn and it would seem more like watching Criminal Minds.

Robb:  I thought you didn’t like scary shows.

Me:  This isn’t scary.  It’s Criminal Minds.

Robb:  I see.  You can’t watch something scary with me, but you can with Hotch!  Hotch makes you feel safe but I don’t!

Me:  You’re starting to get it.  Finally.

Maybe I could write a life hack titled 10 Ways Aaron Hotchner Makes Women Feel Safe.  You wouldn’t even need a glass of wine to enjoy it.


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