Lisa has a liquor license

Robb grew up in this little po-dink town in Wyoming.  It had it’s hayday several decades ago, and has been slowly declining ever since.  When we visited recently, the owner of the local Chinese restaurant was thrilled to have us visit his slightly overpriced establishment, because we were, quite literally, the only people in the joint.  But, just down the street, Lisa’s overpriced restaurant was hoppin’.  Robb says it’s because Lisa has a liquor license.

It must be true because the only other place in town that had more than 3 people in it was the bar.

Here I was thinking that we “city folk” (and by “city folk,” I mean boring suburbanites) were much more metropolitan than that.  But, going to a Saturday night movie with Robb, we noticed that the only place with more than 3 people (and frankly, the only place that wanted to stay open past 9:00 pm) was the place with the liquor license.

I guess alcohol is the great equalizer.  Maybe I should take up drinking, just so I can have some company on a Saturday night.

 

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Semicolons Have No Place in Modern Society

Like the rest of the folks in the office universe, I spend an inordinate amount of my life in Microsoft Outlook.  While it runs efficiently and is user-friendly, I take major issue with it’s automatic grammar check.

If I ever write a book, it won’t be written in a Microsoft program because they are deficient in creativity and the art of clever writing.  So, I like using sentence fragments, what of it?  I’m frequently irritated with the “more accurate” adverb usage it’s constantly suggesting but nothing reins higher on my list of exasperating Outlook nuances than it’s blatant love affair with the semicolon: the most useless and retarded punctuation mark ever created.

Half comma, half colon: the semicolon is nothing but the transvestite of the punctuation world and it has NO business being in such a convenient place on the keyboard.  Put the period there for God’s sake!!  Or maybe the apostrophe!  What kind of bafoon uses semicolons more frequently than periods apostrophes??  I’ll tell you who: assholes and transvestites.

Not only does the semicolon look moronic (being a mutt and all) and have a rich plot of keyboard space, but they are palpably worthless.  There isn’t a problem in the English language that absolutely must be solved by the semicolon.  More often than not, the humble comma will suffice.  When you need a little more authority, go with the colon.

Okay, okay…let me provide some insight into the semicolon’s alleged effectiveness (for those of you who agree that the difference between the semicolon and the colon/comma is too neglegable to be grasped).  Modern experts suggest using it after using quotation marks.  I’m pretty sure a comma works just fine.  It’s suggested when you’re about to use a transitional phrase; such as, this very sentence.  Again, why not a comma?  The only other “use” I know of for the semicolon is in lists such as: “I hate the following places: Toole, which is in Utah; Vernal, which is in Utah; and Ogden, which is in Utah.”  You decide it’s usefulness in this context but I’m pretty sure this little punctuation dilemma can be easily solved with your basic set of parentheses.  Or a comma.  Or a Shit.  Load.  Of.  Periods.

The supposed “need” for the semicolon in Outlook is total bullshit and I’m sick of it plaguing my work day.  I prefer the simple life full of hard work, good food and commas.

The Downside to traveling in Wyoming

Shit.

Great ideas for licorice

At this years family reunion, Robb shared his experience with smoking as a child. Not having any brothers of his own, his older cousins realized that he would be gullible and took full advantage. One cousin talked him into smoking, by saying something very convincing, like, “Hey, we should smoke.” Then he rolled some tree bark into a piece of paper, lit it, pretended to smoke and handed it to Robb. Robb took a big drag on it and fell straight to the ground. Let’s just say, it was a rough smoke.

The offspring must have had smoking on the brain, because they “invented” this super cool game, in which you pretend your red vines are cigarettes. Robb and I joined in. What?! We like looking cool!

Smoking licorice gave me the brilliant idea to actually smoke licorice!  Why not make actual cigarettes taste like licorice? In fact, who cares about taste, just make them smell exactly like red vines. Do we have the technology for this? One can only hope.

Imagine… restaurants and airports could bring back smoking sections. Kids and teens would start smoking again. And, this is just a guess, I bet sales of red vines would rise. Think about it… all those non-smokers, smelling the licorice cigarettes, would have sudden cravings. It’s genius. I’m drafting a letter to Marlboro right now.

(I was recently informed that cigarettes that taste like licorice already exist.  But cigarettes that smell like licorice do not, so I still say the idea is mine.)

I must also take the opportunity to acknowledge another genius idea, this one from my daughter. In the midst of creating the licorice sucker, itself an amazing idea, she inadvertently created the liquor sucker. I mean, brilliant, right? Tell me that product wouldn’t sell by the dozens!

It’s a gift

I learned something new about my son today. The boy can handle a gun like nobody’s business. There were 6 of us out on the prairie today, and the 13 year old blew us all away. Figuratively, of course.

Now that we know about this gift, we fully intend to help him develop it. Neighborhood cats better be on alert. Especially those that crap in my yard.

Sayonara

Say Your Prayers, Kitty.

What does it all mean?

While driving to meet friends for dinner, Robb made us listen to talk radio.  Daytime talk radio is one thing, and nighttime talk radio is another, but there’s this weird spot between 4 pm and 7 pm that is almost like filler.  It’s weird.  And more importantly, boring.   Today’s program was about sad movies, and people were encouraged to call in and tell what movie made them cry, and what was the most sad of all horribly sad movies they had seen.

The replies were… well, ridiculous mostly.  I don’t think people know what sad means.  Apparently, The Champ was the saddest movie of all time.  I never saw it, so I can’t comment, but I did think of a couple other sad shows.  Steel Magnolias comes to mind, as well as Old Yeller and Titanic.

One caller suggested that Hotel Rwanda was the saddest show he had seen.  No it wasn’t, I thought.  It’s not sad, it’s horrifying.

Also suggested were Rudy and Hoosiers, which I believe both fall squarely under the category of inspirational.  Not sad.

One man jokingly mentioned Lord of the Rings, which did make me cry, but not in a sad way.  It was those tears you get when you yawn really big and have to prop your eyes open with your fingers.  Dear God, will this movie ever end?!

The point is that words should mean something.  Sad means sad.  Tears of joy are NOT sad.  Get it straight.

A recent acquaintance told me she thinks Pinterest is a better search engine than Google, because everything it pulls up is pretty.  So, I went to Pinterest and typed in “weird.”  I did find quite a few rather weird things, as well as sayings that include the word weird, but there were also some that could be much more accurately described as “disturbing.”  Take, for instance, these baby-head candles.

Little Joseph Candle Holder

Creepy.  Disturbing.  Wrong.  Weird does not begin to cover it.

I guess you can make anything into a candle these days.

shot-candle.jpg

A Candle That Doubles As an Ashtray Makes Smoking Less Stinky

But I digress…

When I typed in the word “sad,” I found even more pictures that would be more accurately described as creepy or disturbing, like this uber-creepy Chewbacca-cat-freak-of-nature:

And this cat…

… which has horns!  Once again… NOT sad, just wrong.

I also found this bizarre-oh picture:

and when I went to the website to check it out I found even more similar pictures of even creepier female faces.  They were titled, “Shockingly Beautiful Photography.”

Well, at least they got the “shocking” part right.

Get Paid

I’ve been thinking about this stupid poster all day.

Can I get paid to watch tv?

I’ve decided that I agree. I should get paid to do stuff I would be doing anyway. Here’s a list of things I did this week that I think I should get paid for.

* I watched the Criminal Minds profilers in peril marathon. When Reed got shot in the leg, I nearly cried.

* I set a new personal best on the Plants vs. Zombies vasebreaker endless game. (30, but I know I can do better.)

* I surfed some of my favorite blogs, including The Bloggess, The Weed, and 27slashb.  I also spent about three hours on Pinterest.

* I bought a magazine about storage and then went to IKEA and bought a bench and two storage baskets.

* I read and listened to several self-help books.  The funny thing is, I actually have a blog reviewing self-help books, but I haven’t added anything to it in probably a year.  And I have no good reason at all, because I have read lots of books in that time!

* I actually did not bake any cookies this week, which is kind of amazing.  But I did frost the sugar cookies my husband and daughter made.

I’ve also been giving serious thought to the things I did this week which I did not want to do and which might be more palatable if I were paid to do them.  These include, but are not limited to:

* Making dinner.

* Making the bed, which I think I only did once this week.

* Paying bills.  Getting paid to pay bills has a poetic ring to it.  I need to find a way to make this work, or at least make it into a clever t-shirt.

* Grocery shopping.

I should also mention that while I did do some housecleaning, I did not clean my office.  I would consider doing it if someone paid me to do it, though.  *wink wink*

On a more serious note, I should say that one thing I do almost every day, that I love and would love to get paid for, is writing.  I write a blog post or e-mail or amusing Facebook update every day.  I have a friend that actually asked me to write a book, which she offered to e-publish.  I basically have a book deal, people.  Get used to it.  Ironically, it’s the only writing project I’m not actually working on.

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