It’s My Kitchen’s Fault

My friend recently asked me to write a Mother-of-the-Year-type book with tips for working moms to keep it all together.  I’m writing the book, even though I am vastly unqualified to do so.  The thing that makes me unqualified is my kitchen.

I blame my kitchen for my own inability to prepare healthy meals.  Here’s what I woke up to:

This is what happens when you don't make your kids do the dishes.

I haven’t done dishes for three days, and I didn’t make my kids do dishes, so what did I expect?  Nevertheless, it’s very irritating, and makes it extremely difficult to make healthy meals.  Instead, I am forced to eat chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.

I formulated a quick plan, which began with emptying the dishwasher.  Elapsed time: same as the time it took to listen to the Moulin Rouge version of Roxanne.  No joke.  I put away the very last item and closed the drawer at the same moment the song ended.  It was like I was in a movie or something.

Part two was filling the dishwasher.  This was particularly odious, because we had chili for dinner and no one cleaned it up.  Dried on chili is gross.  I had to use the expensive dishwashing soap.  Elapsed time:  longer than the song after Roxanne on the Moulin Rouge soundtrack.  It’s the one where Ewen MacGregor sings in French.

Part three was taking care of the pie plate that turns my fingers and everything else it touches black.  There is a story about how the pie plate ended up in such a state, but it will have to be a post for another day.  Stupid pie plate turned my favorite kitchen scrubby tool black, too.  Now I have to buy a new one.

The sink is still full of dried on chili and cheese, because this is the "clean" scrubber, the one that is for dishes only.

This was about the time my Moulin Rouge soundtrack ran out of songs, and I switched to acoustic Maroon 5.  Much better.

Part four was cleaning off the counter and sweeping the floor.  This was the part where I discovered that the sprayer on my bottle of Simple Green is broken.  I tried for like 30 seconds to make it work, then gave up and just dripped cleaner on the dried-on-chili-spots on my counter.  It did leave me wondering what my kids were doing when they claimed to be cleaning the bathroom.  I should really check their work.

Elapsed time for all four parts: 30 minutes exactly.  I was not going to do a lick more than 30 minutes work in the kitchen this morning, so it’s lucky for the kitchen that it worked out as well as it did, or the kitchen may have had to go all day in such a mess.  The final result of my 30 minutes of work:

Clean enough for chopping a watermelon

It’s not amazing, but good enough to chop up that giant watermelon I left sitting on the counter.  After all that work, I’m too tired to cook lunch.  I’ll probably just eat a Lean Cuisine while I play Zuma Blitz on Facebook.  (I don’t know why I spend all that mojo on cool powers, when I always get my high score with no powers at all.  This week’s high score: 634,380.  Beat that with no powers.)

There are still lots of grody pans in the sink, but I didn’t want to get too carried away.  It’s the kitchen’s fault, after all.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Dacia
    May 10, 2011 @ 13:16:21

    I couldn’t agree more. There are days when I walk into my (unbelievably tiny) kitchen, look around, and then turn and walk away because I just can’t deal with the mess. Ugh! I hate a dirty kitchen and even more so I hate cleaning it.


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